I am reading the book, The Five People You Meet in Heaven, by one of my favourite authors, Mitch Albom. The book is about life, death, stories.
Stories told, stories lost, stories misunderstood, the stories in between and the stories that only begin after another one ends. Below, are a few quotes from the book that I'd like to share...
" It might seem strange to start a story at an ending. But all endings are also beginnings. We just don't know it at the time".
I love that quote because it relates so much to the experiences in our lives. How many times have you experienced something terrible, a loss that you thought was the end of the world. You lose a job, you breakup from a relationship, you miss an opportunity....only to find that later on, that if that door didn't close, another one wouldn't have happened.
"Parents rarely let go of their children, so children let go of them. They move on. They move away. The moments that used to define them - a mother's approval, a father's nod - are covered by moments of their own accomplishments. It is not until much later, as the skin sags and the heart weakens that children understand; their stories, and all their accomplishments, sit atop the stories of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones, beneath the water."
I have struggled to find peace with my father and be content with the dynamic of our relationship. I still do, to this day and wonder if I'll ever understand how and why he is the way he is. But it's true, nomatter how much you please them, or disappoint them or even go weeks ignoring them, your parents will never let you go. And then one day, when you are no longer a child, and realize that your relationship is a choice, you either try to accomodate their ways, or you give up.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
L - Is for the way you look at me
Those four letters...
Love. This simple four letter word is so meaningful yet also so abused, so sincere yet also so misunderstood. It is used a lot yet not used enough. We all have our own definition of love. This definition can change throughout time and can take on a whole new meaning and level through each experience with it.
I used to use the word love freely - with friends, with desires, within relationships... I guess I was young, and not yet experienced enough to really understand what the word meant to me. I used to confuse the word love with lust and in retrospect, often "fell in love" with hypothetical dream worlds created in my naive and innocent mind rather than the person themself.. Throughout my experiences I have abused the word, feared the word and finally, at age twenty five and three quarters, am finally learning how to embrace the word.
To me, the words "I love you" is a commitment. It is a statement of declaration that promises that you love the other person unconditionally - without judgement and without prejudice and will continue doing so until the end of time. While of course it is possible to love someone at one point and not love them at another, I think that a declaration of love means you intend to commit to care for them in your heart for the long run - even if they at times annoy you, anger you and even hurt you.
In order to love someone, you need to know them - meaning not the one or two sides they choose to present, but their different sides that come out in their different roles and experiences. Is that person consistent in their principles as a friend, a brother, a restaurant patron, a travel companion? You may find that you "love" someone as your lover, but are appalled when you see their character when playing a different role.
What about love at first sight?
Have you ever met someone and almost instantaneously, you felt this incredible passion for them? Perhaps it was love at first sight....or not.
Perhaps what your really experienced was lust at first sight? Now, I may sound like a skeptic, and I'm sure there are plenty of relationships out there that experienced love at first sight and are now living happily ever after. But, in my theory of needing to truly know someone to truly love them, love at first sight doesn't exist. But hey, who am I to doubt? I've definitely experienced a magnetic attraction and unexplanable passion and care for someone I hardly knew - so perhaps there are some holes to my theory. On that note, I'll end off with a lovely song... :)
L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore can
Love is all that I can give to you
Love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don't break it
Love was made for me and you
L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore can
Love is all that I can give to you
Love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don't break it
Love was made for me and you
Love was made for me and you
Love was made for me and you,,,
--Nat King Cole
Love. This simple four letter word is so meaningful yet also so abused, so sincere yet also so misunderstood. It is used a lot yet not used enough. We all have our own definition of love. This definition can change throughout time and can take on a whole new meaning and level through each experience with it.
I used to use the word love freely - with friends, with desires, within relationships... I guess I was young, and not yet experienced enough to really understand what the word meant to me. I used to confuse the word love with lust and in retrospect, often "fell in love" with hypothetical dream worlds created in my naive and innocent mind rather than the person themself.. Throughout my experiences I have abused the word, feared the word and finally, at age twenty five and three quarters, am finally learning how to embrace the word.
To me, the words "I love you" is a commitment. It is a statement of declaration that promises that you love the other person unconditionally - without judgement and without prejudice and will continue doing so until the end of time. While of course it is possible to love someone at one point and not love them at another, I think that a declaration of love means you intend to commit to care for them in your heart for the long run - even if they at times annoy you, anger you and even hurt you.
In order to love someone, you need to know them - meaning not the one or two sides they choose to present, but their different sides that come out in their different roles and experiences. Is that person consistent in their principles as a friend, a brother, a restaurant patron, a travel companion? You may find that you "love" someone as your lover, but are appalled when you see their character when playing a different role.
What about love at first sight?
Have you ever met someone and almost instantaneously, you felt this incredible passion for them? Perhaps it was love at first sight....or not.
Perhaps what your really experienced was lust at first sight? Now, I may sound like a skeptic, and I'm sure there are plenty of relationships out there that experienced love at first sight and are now living happily ever after. But, in my theory of needing to truly know someone to truly love them, love at first sight doesn't exist. But hey, who am I to doubt? I've definitely experienced a magnetic attraction and unexplanable passion and care for someone I hardly knew - so perhaps there are some holes to my theory. On that note, I'll end off with a lovely song... :)
L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore can
Love is all that I can give to you
Love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don't break it
Love was made for me and you
L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore can
Love is all that I can give to you
Love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don't break it
Love was made for me and you
Love was made for me and you
Love was made for me and you,,,
--Nat King Cole
The Bigger Person
I once did one of those character analysis tests and discovered that I fall under the "pleaser" category. Meaning, I find it highly important to have good relationships with people and to be liked. I fear not being liked, disappointing others and not being able to resolve disagreements with someone.
This is why I struggle severely with my relationship with my father. My father has a very strong personality, in fact, his presence is so strong that he is able to affect the energy in a room and the moods of others instantly. I, being very sensitive to those who try and control others and myself, have an issue with this.
I do not like the fact that if he is in a bad mood (for whatever the reason), his bad energy and dark face will dictate the moods of everyone else sitting at that dinner table. I do not like tthe fact that he doesn't seem much interested in me or my life or the things that mean a lot to me. I do not like how he throws in nags and "parently" advice as if he read it in a self help book but contradicts every word that he says. These things bother me a lot. In fact, as much as I can maintain a poker face and continue on as if I'm happy and dandy, I know that deep inside, it brings me much sorrow that I cannot have a relationship with my father.
I am angry - at him for being so difficult, at myself for not being able to find the angle that can communicate to him, at not being able to accept the fact that he will never ever change his ways and if anything's going to budge, it has to be me.
I am frustrated - that as my father's 25 year old daughter, shouldn't it be him teaching me principles and not the other way around?
I am disappointed - in myself, because I see some of what I cannot stand in him, in me.
I am sad - that I know one day too late, he will be gone, and I will have wished to have tried harder, that although I know this I can't seem to bring myself to figure out how.
You should understand that your parents are your parents - the ones who raised you, sent you to school, put the food on the table, so therefore you should do whatever it takes to have harmonious relationships with them, right? If you don't try and fix it now, you'll be dying of regrets one day too late, right? Or is it okay to accept that maybe you must just accept the fact that sometimes, a relationship, even if it's blood, just will never fit and come to terms with it. Do I want to fix the relationship because of my nature and habits? Am I failing on my part to be the bigger person?
This is why I struggle severely with my relationship with my father. My father has a very strong personality, in fact, his presence is so strong that he is able to affect the energy in a room and the moods of others instantly. I, being very sensitive to those who try and control others and myself, have an issue with this.
I do not like the fact that if he is in a bad mood (for whatever the reason), his bad energy and dark face will dictate the moods of everyone else sitting at that dinner table. I do not like tthe fact that he doesn't seem much interested in me or my life or the things that mean a lot to me. I do not like how he throws in nags and "parently" advice as if he read it in a self help book but contradicts every word that he says. These things bother me a lot. In fact, as much as I can maintain a poker face and continue on as if I'm happy and dandy, I know that deep inside, it brings me much sorrow that I cannot have a relationship with my father.
I am angry - at him for being so difficult, at myself for not being able to find the angle that can communicate to him, at not being able to accept the fact that he will never ever change his ways and if anything's going to budge, it has to be me.
I am frustrated - that as my father's 25 year old daughter, shouldn't it be him teaching me principles and not the other way around?
I am disappointed - in myself, because I see some of what I cannot stand in him, in me.
I am sad - that I know one day too late, he will be gone, and I will have wished to have tried harder, that although I know this I can't seem to bring myself to figure out how.
You should understand that your parents are your parents - the ones who raised you, sent you to school, put the food on the table, so therefore you should do whatever it takes to have harmonious relationships with them, right? If you don't try and fix it now, you'll be dying of regrets one day too late, right? Or is it okay to accept that maybe you must just accept the fact that sometimes, a relationship, even if it's blood, just will never fit and come to terms with it. Do I want to fix the relationship because of my nature and habits? Am I failing on my part to be the bigger person?
Learning how to embrace the pain of an experience
My big sister told me that as you get older, its gets easier…Your heartaches don't hurt as much. You shrug things off more easily. But I don't know if I necessarily agree.
When it comes to matters of the heart, I fall and love like it's my first time. I guess I'm like a child in that sense. Aches from the past that would normally jade a person seem to slip from my memory. After all, shouldn't a new experience deserve a fresh and open mind and heart?
Along with that way of being, I hurt and ache also as if it was my first time too. Just because I've endured a few breakups or bittersweet endings doesn't mean that it makes it any easier or less painful the next time around. I think what my sister was trying to tell me is that it's not that heartaches get less painful, but it's that we learn to channel the energy and emotions in a way that is more reflective and positive and less self destructive and pitying.
I have had to let someone go in my life…someone I adore, care about and cherish very much. It's not easy as you are used to having a good friend – someone to turn to when you need a soundboard and someone you call first to share good news. But when emotions are still so fresh, I think it is best to allow some time to pass by – even if you wish so badly that you could pick up the phone like always. Sometimes in life you have to do the things that you may not want to, but you have to do it anyway because it is the right thing to do.
And my god, it hurts. And my god do I miss him dearly. I miss my friend. And if this was me going through this a few years ago, I'd be bawling in self pity with a bucket of icecream and a consumption spree to distract me and replace what was lost. But now I've grown up a little, and I've learned to see the positive side in experiences – even the parts that don't feel like butterflies. You allow yourself to feel the emotions instead of blocking them out, allow yourself to mourn and then when ready, you decide that it is time to move on. With age comes experience, and you realize that the sadness will dissipate and that there is a point when everything is okay. Knowing that gives you the hope and faith that helps you get through the hard parts.
When it comes to matters of the heart, I fall and love like it's my first time. I guess I'm like a child in that sense. Aches from the past that would normally jade a person seem to slip from my memory. After all, shouldn't a new experience deserve a fresh and open mind and heart?
Along with that way of being, I hurt and ache also as if it was my first time too. Just because I've endured a few breakups or bittersweet endings doesn't mean that it makes it any easier or less painful the next time around. I think what my sister was trying to tell me is that it's not that heartaches get less painful, but it's that we learn to channel the energy and emotions in a way that is more reflective and positive and less self destructive and pitying.
I have had to let someone go in my life…someone I adore, care about and cherish very much. It's not easy as you are used to having a good friend – someone to turn to when you need a soundboard and someone you call first to share good news. But when emotions are still so fresh, I think it is best to allow some time to pass by – even if you wish so badly that you could pick up the phone like always. Sometimes in life you have to do the things that you may not want to, but you have to do it anyway because it is the right thing to do.
And my god, it hurts. And my god do I miss him dearly. I miss my friend. And if this was me going through this a few years ago, I'd be bawling in self pity with a bucket of icecream and a consumption spree to distract me and replace what was lost. But now I've grown up a little, and I've learned to see the positive side in experiences – even the parts that don't feel like butterflies. You allow yourself to feel the emotions instead of blocking them out, allow yourself to mourn and then when ready, you decide that it is time to move on. With age comes experience, and you realize that the sadness will dissipate and that there is a point when everything is okay. Knowing that gives you the hope and faith that helps you get through the hard parts.
Date Night...for one please
Do you ever have moments when you feel lonely? When you wish you had someone around that you can hang out with, laugh with, talk with.
Well, it's Saturday night, one of my first Saturday nights off from work in a while. And while I enjoy my time by myself – I'm having a moment when I kind of wish I had the company of someone I connect with. Even though I understand it's normal and natural to have these emotions, I admit, I feel guilty for feeling them. And I admit, I feel a little scared. I fear that maybe I feel lonely because I'm not at peace with myself or love myself enough. I fear that I'm being weak and feeling sorry for myself when there are bigger problems out there in the world. I fear that maybe I work and choose to live in a fast pace world so that I do not have to be still with myself. I am working on evolving myself and building spirituality and peace within so that one day, if I do have a partner, it is a choice born out of true love and not out of any need. I fear that because I feel these moments of loneliness, that maybe I'm not even close to being there.
There are two main schools of thought on being single. One is that it's just not your time and destiny will decide when or if that time will be. There's also another theory – and that is if you're single and not content with that situation, that you should be proactive and do something about it.
I'm open to relationships and love, and have tried being open to meeting different people. It's not difficult to meet a variety of people online dating sites, however, that way of meeting someone can feel contrived and not organic and thus amount to lot of pressure. You can surely go out to a bar or a club dressed to the nines and meet someone, but that can be contrived as well. Being decked in an outfit and often with an accompanying persona mixed with alcohol consumption may not be the ideal situation in meeting the "right" people. Whatever the venue it is, it's hard enough to walk enough steps to get to start to know someone and that's not even the toughest part. The most challenging part comes after the whole process and actually s connecting with each other.
I have been attracted and have even liked many people in my life, but very rarely do I really connect with someone. So this Saturday night, while the options to be entertained and be surrounded by people are indeed possible, I think I'd rather choose to have date night…for one.
Well, it's Saturday night, one of my first Saturday nights off from work in a while. And while I enjoy my time by myself – I'm having a moment when I kind of wish I had the company of someone I connect with. Even though I understand it's normal and natural to have these emotions, I admit, I feel guilty for feeling them. And I admit, I feel a little scared. I fear that maybe I feel lonely because I'm not at peace with myself or love myself enough. I fear that I'm being weak and feeling sorry for myself when there are bigger problems out there in the world. I fear that maybe I work and choose to live in a fast pace world so that I do not have to be still with myself. I am working on evolving myself and building spirituality and peace within so that one day, if I do have a partner, it is a choice born out of true love and not out of any need. I fear that because I feel these moments of loneliness, that maybe I'm not even close to being there.
There are two main schools of thought on being single. One is that it's just not your time and destiny will decide when or if that time will be. There's also another theory – and that is if you're single and not content with that situation, that you should be proactive and do something about it.
I'm open to relationships and love, and have tried being open to meeting different people. It's not difficult to meet a variety of people online dating sites, however, that way of meeting someone can feel contrived and not organic and thus amount to lot of pressure. You can surely go out to a bar or a club dressed to the nines and meet someone, but that can be contrived as well. Being decked in an outfit and often with an accompanying persona mixed with alcohol consumption may not be the ideal situation in meeting the "right" people. Whatever the venue it is, it's hard enough to walk enough steps to get to start to know someone and that's not even the toughest part. The most challenging part comes after the whole process and actually s connecting with each other.
I have been attracted and have even liked many people in my life, but very rarely do I really connect with someone. So this Saturday night, while the options to be entertained and be surrounded by people are indeed possible, I think I'd rather choose to have date night…for one.
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